Let me live...

I believed that I have been made for you,

and I always did.

Whatever I had, my breath, my body, my life

I offered you all.

I bore all the dust you flung on me,

Silently I bore it all.

Never did I demand anything,

Always survived on my own...

Always welcomed you in my shade.

You hurt me often,

I healed myself  each time.

just to serve you again.

but still you brought me down, why?

I felt, if not me, you would give my child a place to survive,

But you say, you don't have space.

I care for you.I know you need me,

And I am afraid, you might wipe out my existence, 

please don't do that to me..

You might not care to heed me.

You are the most superior being on earth,

and I am just a tree.

"...you must be bored.."

I hail from a small town. From a "no malls no multiplexes" place.

To make a livelihood, I have been staying away from home and family for the last 3 years.

Once in few months, I go back home to spend a few days there...

It was my last visit. I was having lunch with one of my uncles.

He asked me, " you must be feeling bored here now...3-4 days is fine but you might not want to stay here for  a longer time than this...it is a small town...no hang out places, nothing... you are a city girl now.." and he was smiling. The smile was different, it did not convey warmth.

I had no answer because I had never thought about it . May be because I had never stayed at home for more than a week after I started living in a city.

The question, rather the conversation with uncle, was simple which could have been forgotten. But I could not forget. His words kept on bothering me.

A number of questions flooded my mind.

Does a different lifestyle imply that I do not belong to the place where I learnt life? 

My people, my neighbours, they do not consider me their own now?
Does my behaviour display so much of affectation that I am losing the affection they had for me..?

These are the people who have seen me become what I am today. They have seen me roaming barefoot on the streets in the locality. They have been to my school for my annual day. They have seen me falling from a bicycle. They have thrashed me for stealing mangoes from their orchard. I have spent long summer afternoons playing in their backyard. They have helped me with my homework.
Being treated like someone higher or superior or a modern city dweller by these people is something that does not make me feel good. When they call me "aap" instead of "tu", it feels odd. When they treat me like a guest, I feel uncomfortable. 

If the answer to all the questions above is a yes, then when did it happen that I could not even realize?
...still wondering....

Something I had written long back...

The other day, I was just dusting my shelf and found an old diary I used to write in, some 8years ago...
I came across a few poems i had written back then. I feel so amused to read them now. Most of the lines are
the twisted and rephrased forms of the quotations I used to read from the "WISDOM" monthly magazine.
The poems seem so kiddish to me now. But I love them and can't help but share it with you all..
Here is one of the few...

Never ever think that you are small,
there is a lot that is right in you...
Don't ever pity yourself,
whatever you want you can do!

Do not compare yourself with others,
because all are special and different
Stand firmly in the battlefield of life,
Hopeful, determined and confident.

Never waver to admit your mistakes,
nor fear from criticism,
Try to learn from your follies,
and keep the company of optimism.

He who fears from failure,
is absolutely sure of defeat.
So, stop thinking about the result
and don't even dare to retreat.

if ever you fail and want to give up
then be aware from before
You may have to regret later in life , that
you could have succeeded if you had tried just once more..

And remember, our greatest glory consists
not in never falling at all..
Rather it lies in,
Rising every time we fall.

What an agony...

I am a blessed soul. I have such nice friends who keep sharing their feelings, thoughts and experiences which become the subject of my blog posts.  Few days back, I got to hear this painful story of my friend. Verbatim.

"You are sleepy like hell.. your eyelids wont open even if you pin them with your forehead..you cannot comprehend anything that's happening around you.. everything appears like a slow motion movie... voices sound as if coming from an age old tape recorder. And, you are not supposed to sleep.. you have to be awake.
Can there be anything more torturous than this? For me, this can be the highest punishment possible the Almighty can give me, for the biggest sin I commit on earth!!
O Lord! why do put me through this pain so often ?  :( :(
Can any human ever win over the nature.. how can a mere mortal like me do that? All the while, gravitational forces  pull my head down and I am supposed to keep it straight... You know how much energy it takes to launch a rocket into the space, to win over the gravity! From where shall I bring that energy :-X
Poor me :(
It is not just physical pain, there is your self-respect, your dignity, your reputation and your what not at stake. After all, the whole struggle is there because sleep comes when it should not. I sleep when I am not supposed to sleep. I am supposed to be aware and agile like a dog, sorry for this stupid comparison,but I can't think of any other example...
 I was caught dozing in the class by a fellow student- that's the first memory I have. I guess before that I was a pure sin-less soul. I had never undergone that torture before that incident..
It was a physics class going on. I was sitting on the first bench, trying to understand the electrostatic theories.. but nothing would enter my ears.. and every other moment, I was passing into that blissful state of sleep..and suddenly would wake up to realise that I am in a class... of course I had lost track of what was being taught..
I was waiting for the class to end as eagerly as I wait for my room mate to come out of the wash room when I am next in line :D
The teacher was  known as Senior Hitler in college.. for obvious reasons.
As soon as the bell rang, I breathed in relief. Shook my head and started packing my bag.
I was yawning all the way out of the classroom when a classmate called me out from behind.
"I saw you sleeping", he said with that mocking grin. I stood there dumb.I wished that he fainted that very moment... what was the need to come and tell me even if he saw me..! It was so embarrassing...
One more time, it happened. And this time it was real painful.
I was in a C programming class. The pointers and variables did an amazing job in inducing sleepiness..
I was trying as hard as I could, to remain awake, to not get caught, let alone understand what was being caught.. my friend sitting beside me murmured..." apply some vicks on your eyebrows... the cool sensation will drive away sleep.." and passed a vicks ka dabba silently..
I was so hell drenched with sleep that instead of eyebrows..I stuffed my eyes with a finger-ful of vicks ointment!
Do I need to tell you for how long I could not sleep after that!
I could neither close my eyes or open them.. and tears started rolling down like a running tap.. And what I had been dreading, happened :(
The teacher called my name out and asked me, "Why the hell are you crying? " what could I say ?  :(  :(

Those were the good old student days. Now I am a professional. I attend infinite number of meetings and training sessions in scary looking board rooms and conference rooms. And when I get one of those sleep attacks, I feel, why wasn't I born insomniac!
Even coffee and tea cannot keep me awake for more than 10 minutes."

I wish there comes a vaccine soon that can help my friend...

Away from home...

Dear Doors, you remember when I could not reach your latches,
how I would curse you :), No doors here are as welcoming as you were...

I remember your smell, Rose, have you outgrown the flower pot...?
you were already big for that then, did Mom shift you into another?

My  flowery Curtains, you would always make me feel light..
I loved your frills, wish you were here, I miss seeing you billow with the breeze..

Cupboards, you housed so many of my toys, you looked after them so well..
I wish you could come here, I am fed up of guarding my things..

Hey, tiny Mug, you were my favorite always..
Mom says, I would never let go of you when I was a kid :)

Walls, you got painted this time, which shade?
I used to feel so safe when you were around...

Tick Tock Clock! You run at the same pace na?
Here, life here runs too fast, aah..! I get tired...


Home, I miss you, do you?